TJ Klune's Top 5 Reasons Michael Bay Must Be Stopped

Thursday February 14, 2019



Hi! To celebrate the release of How to Be a Movie Star, the sequel to How to Be a Normal Person, I bring you the Top Five Reasons Michael Bay Must Be Stopped. Readers of Normal Person will know Gustavo Tiberius has certain…feelings about Mr. Bay, ones which I share wholeheartedly. We must do all we can to bring this evil to an end.


1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen There is a scene in this movie where one of the robotic Transformers is shown to have large testicles. Yes, they took money from a massive budget to create special effects of robot balls for nothing more than a close up shot of said balls. I am so angry.

2. Harbor (AKA wannabe Titanic) Michael Bay, the master of subtlety, takes the tragedy at Pearl Harbor and puts three white people in a love triangle at the forefront and then blows everything up in slow motion. My rage knows no bounds.

3. Armageddon An asteroid is headed straight for Earth! Oh no! But it’s okay! Instead of training astronauts to drill on the asteroid, we’ll train drillers to be astronauts! IT MAKES TOTAL SENSE. (Also, the animal cracker scene makes me want to punch Nabisco.) Who will stop this man?

4. Transformers: Age of Extinction Optimus Prime rides a gigantic robot dinosaur. Also, Mark Wahlberg is there for some reason? I don’t quite know why. I thought he died after making The Happening, which is also uniquely terrible. We must join together to end this travesty.

5. The Rock This is…not bad. Which is problematic in itself. What sort of evil wizardry does Mr. Bay possess in order for me to consider one of his movies palatable? Surely it has nothing to do with the fact that, weirdly, one of my first crushes was Sean Connery and that I once had a dream of him saying my name while helping me with my math homework. It was very erotic for a 14 year old.


Your turn! Lament with me. What are your top five most awful movies? (Michael Bay or otherwise. But mostly Michael Bay.)